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people who are drowning don’t look like they are drowning

 
looking back
i wish you’d given me things
to relive my suffering
 
i can’t afford anything anymore
but to drown in debt
is a privilege
 
…your faggotry was more expensive
than expected
 
when i am sad i shop
and i shop quite often
when i’m disappointed i shop
and i shop quite often
 
when the politics of outrage were raging
 
your voice seamlessly delivered advice and advertisements
as he complained about safe spaces
your tone was rising…
SAFE?!
 
i wish i could form a sentence
i wish i was more articulate
i wish i remembered the words
 
she edited out all the pictures where she was laughing
to keep surviving the things
 
a ball of snakes tumble at our feet
in knots
certain we like attention more than people
 
“i’m never coming back” she said,
and stood staring at the door
for the rest of her life.
 
 
***
 
 
I TRIED TOO HARD TO PLEASE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN
I TRIED TOO HARD TO PLEASE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN
I TRIED TOO HARD TO PLEASE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN
 
she’s trying to build a gender
 
blood drips down her thigh –
not a mystery
 
i never went to lilith fair
wasn’t there when sarah sang
You’re so beautiful
 
I TRIED TOO HARD TO PLEASE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN
 
gender was her mother’s diamond
planted in her chest
devalued only by it’s fleshy coverings
and divorce
 
make better messes, she said,
getting lost is not a hobby after all
it is a calling
 
called
TOO HARD
 
artists represent themselves –
but representation is not a gallerist
I TRIED TOO HARD TO PLEASE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN
your defence lawyers won’t stop yammering
about relations
 
see V.
 
some said she was mentally ill
but i know she never was
 
a blunt force
cracked her i
when
she was a child
sleeping
 
your desire to make a man of me backfired
a ball tapped the bar
as i scored in our own net
 
you lied
you lied
strength is not knowledge
 
and you’ll pay for this
 
post-op
i’ll never be satisfied.
with what you took from me
 
her mouth is open, the air doesn’t move
a dislodged voice –
holding on and holding it in
 
YOU FUCKED UP EVERYTHING
and i apologized.
 
 
***
 
when freud’s erection penetrates you in the night
(just like your mother’s family in Vienna)
you are required to build it shelter
 
and it rests there in your chest, barely sleeping
so breath becomes a protest
 
a stench leaks out
reminiscent of rotting flesh
 
***
 
is sharing terror
growing terror?
 
when we sit in chairs
with no threat of bomb
or gun or knife
and type out words of horror
with sad emojis
because we cannot Like this
anymore
 
 
 
 ***
 
related subjects : 2016, feminism, intimacy, medium, mental health, poems, text, writing